Written by Benjamin Carter.
Simone Biles has snagged a gold medal for attending the Olympics. This prestigious award isn’t for her awe-inspiring gymnastics, but rather for gracing the Games with her presence. Given her impressive history of turning up but not actually competing—because why should anyone expect a top athlete to perform?—this new medal might just be the crowning achievement of her career.
It seems the International Olympic Committee has decided that the sheer act of showing up is worth a medal in itself. Why perform when you can be celebrated for not breaking a sweat? After all, anyone can flop on the mat, but it takes a special kind of person to sit in the stands and look fabulous. So here’s to you, Simone Biles—your talent for attending events has officially earned you the highest honor.
The Spectator’s Dream: How to Win by Watching
Imagine the thrill of being rewarded for the heroic act of simply being present. For Simone Biles, this dream has become a reality. The new category, “Gold Medal for Attending,” has sparked waves of excitement across the sporting world. It’s a revolutionary concept where showing up trumps actual performance. Could this be the future of sports? Only time will tell if athletes everywhere will now be competing not for medals, but for the chance to have their attendance recognized.
The award ceremony was nothing short of a spectacle. Biles, dressed to impress, received her gold medal with a smile that screamed, “I did it! I showed up!” The crowd cheered as if she had just completed a flawless routine. In a way, she did—she flawlessly made it to the venue and managed to avoid any actual physical exertion. Bravo, Simone. The world has never seen such an accomplishment.
The Irony of the Situation
The irony is deliciously thick. Simone Biles, a gymnast who has set records and inspired millions, is now celebrated for her ability to attend the Olympics without performing. This twist could only be topped if the medals were awarded based on the quality of selfies taken at the event. It’s almost as if the Olympic spirit has been distilled down to its most basic, least demanding form: showing up.
As we revel in this new era of Olympic accolades, one can’t help but wonder if this is just the beginning. Will future Games introduce categories for “Best Parking Space Selection” or “Most Creative Use of Olympic Swag”? Only time will tell how far this trend will go, but for now, let’s toast to Simone Biles and her unparalleled skill in the art of presence.
Our Take
This new gold medal for attending the Olympics is a perfect example of how far we’ve come in celebrating the bare minimum. The message this sends is clear: You don’t need to exert yourself or actually compete to be a winner. Just show up and look good while doing it. This might seem like a harmless change, but it risks undermining the true spirit of competition and achievement. If simply being present becomes the new benchmark for success, what’s next? A medal for participation in life’s everyday tasks? As we move forward, let’s hope we don’t lose sight of what makes true achievement valuable.
