Written by Johnathan Michaels.
In an unexpected twist that could only happen in the age of “woke” hiring practices, a gorilla has stepped in to take over a commercial flight after the airline’s Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) hires openly admitted they were not qualified to fly. What started as a routine flight turned into an absurd comedy of errors as the airline’s diversity-driven hiring policies hit some rather turbulent skies. Who knew that years of rigorous pilot training could be bypassed by a fur coat and some impressive biceps?
The passengers on Flight 2024 were in for a wild ride when the DEI-hired pilots, who had been selected more for their demographic appeal than their ability to navigate an aircraft, found themselves in over their heads. “I’ve never actually flown a plane before,” confessed one of the pilots. “But when they told me I fit the diversity profile, I figured, how hard could it be? Turns out, pretty hard.”
Enter the gorilla. A passenger in the cabin, he had a surprising amount of experience from his days at the zoo’s enrichment programs, where he had been trained to operate various complex tasks, including—apparently—flying a Boeing 737. In a move that will undoubtedly go down in aviation history, the gorilla took the controls and managed to land the plane safely, much to the relief of everyone onboard. If this isn’t a sign that we’re living in a simulation, nothing is.
DEI Policies Go Bananas: When the Gorilla Becomes the Star
As the airline’s diversity-driven hiring practices continue to push the boundaries of common sense, the fact that a gorilla is now more qualified than the so-called pilots is, ironically, not all that shocking. “We believe in giving everyone a fair chance,” said an airline spokesperson. “Even if that means putting passengers’ lives in the hands of someone—or something—with zero experience. It’s all about equity, after all.”
The DEI pilots, who had been brought on board as part of the airline’s commitment to “reflecting the world,” seemed genuinely surprised that their lack of qualifications was an issue. “I thought the autopilot would handle most of the work,” said one of them. “And honestly, who knew those buttons actually did anything?”
But while the DEI hires might have been in over their heads, the gorilla’s quick thinking and natural instincts proved to be the real MVP of the day. Not only did he manage to land the plane, but he also earned himself a standing ovation from the passengers—many of whom have already begun petitioning to have him hired as a full-time pilot. After all, if he can outshine the humans at this job, why not give him a shot?
The Evolution of the Cockpit: When Primates Outperform Humans
This bizarre episode has sparked a heated debate about the state of the airline industry and the lengths to which companies will go to appear inclusive. On one hand, there’s the argument that everyone deserves a chance to succeed, regardless of background or experience. On the other, there’s the glaring reality that not everyone is cut out for every job—especially when that job involves the safety of hundreds of people at 35,000 feet.
As for the gorilla, he seems unfazed by his newfound fame. Reports indicate that he’s already been approached by several other airlines, eager to capitalize on his unexpected heroism. Meanwhile, the DEI pilots have been reassigned to more “appropriate” roles within the company—roles that presumably don’t involve life-or-death decisions.
It’s a strange new world we live in, where a gorilla can outshine the best efforts of human resource departments and where DEI initiatives might just be taking things a step too far. But hey, at least the airline’s diversity stats are on point.
Our Take
This situation perfectly encapsulates the absurdity of prioritizing diversity over qualifications. While it’s important to create opportunities for underrepresented groups, there has to be a line somewhere—preferably well before we end up with gorillas in the cockpit. The public should be concerned that in the name of inclusivity, we’re sacrificing safety and common sense. When a gorilla becomes the most qualified candidate to land a plane, it’s clear that something has gone horribly wrong.
Diversity is essential, but it should never come at the expense of competency. Let’s keep the primates in the jungle and the pilots in the cockpit.
