Written by Matthew Grant.
Disney has announced the latest reboot of the beloved Star Wars franchise. But this time, there’s a twist. Forget the slim, fit heroes and heroines you once knew. In the name of political correctness, every character in the new Star Wars universe will be…fat. That’s right, from a chubby Chewbacca to a plus-sized Princess Leia, Disney has decided that diversity now means expanding waistlines in a galaxy far, far away.
According to Disney execs, the decision was made to better represent “realistic body types.” After all, who needs lightsabers and space battles when you can have characters struggling to get out of their X-wing cockpit? Luke Skywalker will be swapping out his green milk for an extra-large smoothie, and Yoda’s wise teachings will now include tips on embracing body positivity. Some fans are already dubbing the new reboot Star Wars: The Last Diet.
But is this really what the franchise needs? While Disney insists that this is a bold move for inclusivity, others argue that it’s just another example of Hollywood bending over backward to appease every possible demographic—except those who actually care about the storyline, of course.
Jabba the Hutt as a Role Model?
In the spirit of inclusivity, Disney has decided that Jabba the Hutt, once reviled as the villainous slug of Tatooine, will now be recast as a positive role model. Yes, you read that right—Jabba the Hutt, the literal embodiment of greed and gluttony, will be portrayed as a misunderstood figure who is simply “comfortable in his own skin.”
Gone are the days when Jabba enslaved Princess Leia and ruled with an iron fist. Now, he’s a self-care guru promoting self-love, with a new catchphrase: “Why diet when you can dominate?” Apparently, Disney’s new message is that it’s okay to be a crime lord, as long as you love yourself while doing it.
In a surprising twist, Han Solo will now be his workout partner, advocating for “healthy at any size” while they engage in slow-motion chase scenes that take up an entire episode. Because nothing says excitement like watching characters catch their breath between lines of dialogue. One can only wonder what new merchandise this will inspire—perhaps a plush Jabba with an inspirational quote stitched onto his belly?
Fitness Is the Real Villain
And in the most ironic twist of all, the reboot’s new villain isn’t an evil emperor or dark Sith lord—it’s fitness itself. Yes, you read that correctly. The new antagonist in this Star Wars saga is none other than a galactic gym owner named “Lord Cardio,” whose mission is to impose unreasonable standards of health and wellness on an unsuspecting universe.
Lord Cardio’s dastardly plot? To open gyms across the galaxy and force everyone into CrossFit routines. He’s even got a nefarious plan to eliminate all-you-can-eat buffets, making him public enemy number one in the eyes of our now-overweight heroes. Disney has gone so far as to hint at an epic showdown between Lord Cardio and Jabba the Hutt—a battle of the bulge, if you will—where the fate of the galaxy will be determined not by strength, but by who can endure the most without hitting the treadmill.
Of course, this has sparked a heated debate online, with fans wondering whether Disney has finally lost its mind. After all, in a universe filled with starships and space magic, who thought it necessary to make the villain a personal trainer? But if there’s one thing Disney knows, it’s that controversy equals cash. And who knows? Maybe this is the reboot we never knew we needed—The Star Wars saga with a side of fries.
Our Take
While Disney’s attempt to be more inclusive is admirable in theory, turning Star Wars into a weight-loss saga is both laughable and perplexing. It seems the franchise is less concerned with telling a compelling story and more focused on ticking off every box on the political correctness checklist. Instead of embracing the rich mythology and beloved characters, they’re serving us a galaxy filled with body positivity platitudes and slow-motion action scenes that do little more than test our patience.
If anything, this reboot is a prime example of how Hollywood has become obsessed with pandering rather than storytelling. By focusing on superficial changes like body size, Disney risks alienating its core audience while turning Star Wars into a parody of itself. And let’s be honest—does anyone really want to see Yoda struggle to waddle his way through lightsaber training?
At the end of the day, it’s clear that Disney’s latest effort is more about making headlines than creating a lasting legacy. But hey, if you’re looking for a laugh, this new Star Wars might just deliver—if only for all the wrong reasons.
