New Olympic Sport of “Hold Your Poop the Longest” is Getting Messy! (Video)

Written by: Daniel Murphy.

In a world where we’ve already seen speedwalking, rhythmic gymnastics, and synchronized swimming somehow make it to the Olympics, you’d think we’d run out of absurd ideas for new sports. But never underestimate the power of human ingenuity—or, in this case, the lack thereof. Ladies and gentlemen, hold onto your… well, hold everything, because the newest Olympic sport has officially been announced: the “Hold Your Poop the Longest” race.

Yes, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) has apparently decided that pushing the boundaries of human endurance wasn’t quite enough with marathons or triathlons. No, now we’re pushing the boundaries of human dignity. Competitors from around the world will line up, clench up, and pray to whichever deity they think can help them hold on the longest. Forget the honor of gold, silver, or bronze—these athletes are going for something much browner and squishier.

If you thought watching paint dry was boring, just wait until you see grown adults desperately trying not to relieve themselves on the world stage. It’s a race against time, biology, and probably their mothers’ disappointed voices in the back of their minds. This is where Olympic glory meets gastrointestinal distress, and honestly, who asked for this?

The “Training” Regimen: A Diet of Iron Will and Imodium

So, how exactly does one train for such a prestigious event? Well, it’s not about speed or strength; it’s about endurance in the most awkward way possible. Athletes are rumored to be downing industrial-strength Imodium like it’s Gatorade, all while sticking to diets so bland they’d make cardboard taste like a gourmet meal. Think of all the fiber that could’ve been used for something actually useful—like making sure your average person stays regular.

And let’s not forget the psychological aspect of this sport. Competing in a race where your biggest challenge is not answering nature’s call requires the mental fortitude of a monk and the bladder control of a camel. Forget meditation; these athletes are visualizing desert wastelands, Sahara-like heat, anything that will keep their bowels on lockdown.

But the training isn’t just about holding it in—oh no, that would be too simple. Athletes also need to master the art of distraction. Expect to see competitors playing Sudoku, reading Dostoevsky, or even knitting mid-race, all in a desperate bid to take their minds off the ticking time bomb in their intestines. It’s a battle of wills, both literally and figuratively, as they fight the urge to let go of everything they’ve got—physically and emotionally.

When Nature Calls… and the Whole World Is Watching

As with any Olympic event, the “Hold Your Poop the Longest” race is not without its fair share of drama. Picture this: the world’s top competitors are lined up, ready to go—or rather, not to go—when suddenly, disaster strikes. Someone’s had one too many bran muffins that morning, and in a split second, all their dreams of Olympic glory (and their shorts) are ruined.

The race has already seen its fair share of controversy, with critics arguing that it’s in poor taste (pun absolutely intended). Medical professionals have weighed in as well, warning of the serious health risks associated with this kind of prolonged “retention.” But hey, when has the Olympics ever been about making sense? After all, this is the same event that has people skiing and shooting targets in the same race—because apparently, some sports just aren’t complicated enough on their own.

But perhaps the real irony here is that, despite the absurdity of it all, this sport has captured the world’s attention like nothing else. Crowds are tuning in, curious to see just how long someone can hold it before the inevitable happens. It’s reality TV at its finest—only this time, the stakes are much higher, and the consequences much messier.

Our Take

We’ve seen the Olympics host some pretty ridiculous events over the years, but this one really takes the cake—or maybe just the fiber supplements. The “Hold Your Poop the Longest” race isn’t just a new low for the world of sports; it’s a new low for humanity as a whole. We’ve officially run out of ideas if this is what we’ve come to: glorifying the ability to not answer the most basic of human needs.

And let’s not even get started on the environmental impact. It’s only a matter of time before the plumbing systems in the Olympic Village go on strike, and the cleanup crews are going to have one hell of a job on their hands—literally. This isn’t just bad for the athletes; it’s bad for anyone who has to deal with the aftermath of this so-called sport.

In the end, this is what happens when we push the boundaries of “innovation” too far. The Olympics were supposed to be about celebrating human achievement and the limits of our physical capabilities. Instead, we’re now watching people risk serious health issues in the name of competition. So, here’s our advice: let’s flush this idea down the drain where it belongs and get back to what the Olympics were meant to be—a showcase of talent, not toilet humor.