Written by Matthew Hayes.
North Korea has decided to open its borders to international tourists. Yes, that’s right, the Hermit Kingdom has thrown open its gates to the outside world, inviting visitors to explore its wonders—if they dare. But before you book that ticket, there’s a slight catch: the government recommends that tourists bring their own food and, oddly enough, handcuffs. Because nothing says “relaxing vacation” like being your own prisoner in a land of mystery and isolation.
Tourists brave enough to venture into this enigmatic country will be treated to a once-in-a-lifetime experience—emphasis on “once” because there’s no guarantee you’ll make it back. Upon arrival, visitors can expect to be greeted by smiling officials who may or may not be genuine. After all, when you live under a regime where smiling is only allowed on state-sanctioned holidays, it’s hard to tell the difference between happiness and fear.
But the real adventure begins when you’re left to fend for yourself in the land of “plenty.” North Korea’s culinary delights are as elusive as its nuclear program, so it’s strongly advised that tourists pack their own rations. Whether it’s a five-course meal or just a box of granola bars, anything is better than the local fare—assuming there is any local fare. And don’t forget those handcuffs! They’re not for your safety, but rather to add a touch of authenticity to your stay. After all, what’s a trip to North Korea without experiencing a bit of the local flavor? Just be sure to check with your guide before locking yourself up, as improper use of handcuffs could lead to unintended consequences—like becoming a permanent resident.
A Thrilling Itinerary of State-Approved Fun
North Korea’s tourism board has outdone itself this time, offering a thrilling itinerary for those brave enough to visit. You’ll start your day with a mandatory tour of the capital, Pyongyang, where you’ll be treated to a carefully curated version of reality. Marvel at the spotless streets, the grandiose statues of the Kim dynasty, and the happy, well-fed citizens—at least the ones the government wants you to see. It’s like stepping into a real-life propaganda film, only you’re the star, and the director is a paranoid dictator with a flair for the dramatic.
After your guided tour, you’ll have some free time to explore—just kidding! There’s no such thing as free time in North Korea. Your every move will be monitored, and your guide will ensure that you stay on the approved path. But don’t worry, you’ll still have plenty of fun! You can visit the DMZ (Demilitarized Zone) for a close-up look at the tense standoff between the North and South, or take a scenic hike in the mountains where you’ll be reminded that freedom is just a concept, not a reality.
In the evenings, you’ll be treated to cultural performances that showcase the best of North Korean talent. From synchronized dancing to patriotic songs, it’s like a Broadway show, but with less color and more fear of reprisals. And if you’re lucky, you might even get to see the infamous Arirang Mass Games, where thousands of performers create a living mosaic of state-approved imagery. It’s a sight to behold, and a stark reminder that individuality is overrated.
Pack Your Bags, But Don’t Forget the Survival Gear
As you prepare for your North Korean adventure, it’s important to pack wisely. In addition to your standard travel essentials, you’ll need to bring a few extra items to ensure your survival. First and foremost, food. North Korea’s culinary scene is, shall we say, limited, so unless you enjoy a steady diet of mystery soup and rice, it’s best to bring your own provisions. A portable stove might not be a bad idea either, just in case you need to cook up something more palatable than what’s on offer.
Next, consider bringing a first-aid kit. North Korea’s healthcare system is a bit like its tourism industry—underdeveloped and full of surprises. You never know when you might need a bandage, some antiseptic, or a full-blown medical evacuation. And let’s not forget the handcuffs. Whether you use them for a bit of dark humor or as a precautionary measure, they’re sure to add a touch of authenticity to your trip. Just remember, in North Korea, it’s always better to be safe than sorry.
Finally, don’t forget to bring a healthy dose of skepticism. North Korea is a land of contrasts, where reality is often stranger than fiction. Keep your wits about you, and always remember that what you see isn’t necessarily what you get. But if you’re up for the challenge, North Korea promises to be the adventure of a lifetime—albeit one you might not want to repeat.
Our Take
North Korea’s decision to open its doors to tourists is both baffling and terrifying. On the one hand, it offers a rare glimpse into one of the world’s most secretive regimes. On the other hand, it’s a stark reminder that not all vacations are created equal. While the idea of exploring the Hermit Kingdom might appeal to the adventurous, it’s important to remember that North Korea is no ordinary destination. It’s a place where freedom is a foreign concept, and survival is a daily struggle.
The recommendation to bring food and handcuffs is both ironic and tragic, highlighting the absurdity of visiting a country that can’t even guarantee basic necessities. It’s a stark reminder that North Korea is a land of contradictions, where the façade of normalcy hides a much darker reality. So, if you’re considering a trip to North Korea, just remember: this is not your typical vacation. It’s a journey into the unknown, where the only certainty is uncertainty.
