Written by Michael Thompson.
In the most bizarre revelation since Kamala Harris claimed she listened to Tupac in college (before he even released his first album), 51 former intelligence officers have now stepped forward, insisting that the Vice President once worked at McDonald’s. And no, they don’t mean a high-level advisory role for corporate leadership or a PR stint in the drive-thru—they’re talking about flipping burgers, frying fries, and bringing a whole new level of “woke” to the golden arches.
According to these officers, who clearly had nothing better to do after retiring from the CIA, Harris’s time at McDonald’s was the birthplace of her progressive platform. “She wasn’t just serving Happy Meals,” said one former operative. “She was serving social justice, one McNugget at a time.” Eyewitnesses claim that Harris implemented a “Woke Meal” option on the menu—a plant-based burger that came with a lecture on intersectionality instead of a toy. Talk about a happy surprise for parents just trying to get through a Tuesday night.
Apparently, Harris used her time behind the counter to brainstorm progressive policies. One former customer recalls being handed their McFlurry with a side of “reparations recommendations.” While some question the credibility of these claims, the 51 intelligence officers assure us they’ve seen the receipts—and in Washington, nothing is more believable than a former intelligence officer vouching for something strange.
The Secret McDonald’s Employee Files
Rumor has it that Harris’s employment at McDonald’s has been covered up for years by the highest levels of government. According to these former intelligence officers, the story was buried deep within classified documents, right next to the JFK files and the location of the missing Clinton emails. Apparently, when Harris first entered politics, McDonald’s corporate feared that her progressive stance would negatively impact sales, so they reached out to the government to ensure her burger-flipping past was erased from public memory.
One anonymous source stated, “She was a natural. Her ability to take orders from customers and flip them into completely unrelated conversations about systemic inequality was impressive. That kind of quick thinking is exactly what you need when you’re Vice President. Or when you’re explaining why the ice cream machine is always broken.”
The officers also allege that Harris’s tenure at McDonald’s led directly to the infamous fast-food worker strikes of recent years. “Kamala’s influence runs deep,” said one retired NSA agent. “She taught them how to protest for a living wage while serving fries, and now look where we are. There’s nothing more American than demanding a raise while handing out Big Macs.” But of course, while the rest of America moved on, Harris apparently never did—holding onto her McDonald’s glory days as a formative experience in activism and…well, activism.
Why Would 51 Intelligence Officers Make This Up?
Some people might be wondering: Why would 51 former intelligence officers—many of whom were trained to detect lies, gather intelligence, and analyze complex geopolitical situations—spend their time digging up a McDonald’s employment record from decades ago? The answer is simple: the deep fryer runs deeper than we ever thought.
For those who think this might be a smear campaign, the officers were quick to point out that this isn’t just about Harris flipping burgers—it’s about understanding the deep roots of her political philosophy. “How can we take her seriously on foreign policy,” asked one officer, “if she couldn’t even master the art of wrapping a McDouble?”
To support their claims, these former intelligence officers have even produced what they say is proof: an old employee badge labeled “Kamala, Shift Supervisor.” Some analysts have already begun dissecting the badge for evidence of Photoshop or forgery, but so far, nothing has disproven its authenticity. “It’s all there in the fine print,” said one intelligence officer, pointing to what he described as “clear signs of Harris’s early dedication to diversity and inclusion training.”
The real question, however, is how this latest revelation will impact Harris’s political future. Will the American public care that the Vice President once worked for the largest fast-food chain in the world? Or will they view it as just another footnote in her career of woke enlightenment? Either way, it seems the fry oil has just started heating up.
Our Take
This latest “discovery” feels like a last-ditch effort by political insiders to remind us that our leaders are more relatable than we think. But if we’re being honest, the only thing more concerning than Kamala Harris allegedly working at McDonald’s is the idea that 51 former intelligence officers spent their time investigating it. Maybe they’re all suffering from too much free time or perhaps an overdose of fast food-induced delirium. Either way, the American public is left to sift through the grease to find something meaningful.
The notion that a stint at McDonald’s shaped Kamala Harris’s policy positions is absurd, but sadly, it’s not out of character for today’s political theater. When politicians are trying to be “just like us,” they conveniently leave out the part where they make more in one speech than most Americans do in a year of flipping burgers. If anything, this story should serve as a reminder that we’ve reached peak absurdity. Our leaders are grasping at straws—ironically, probably the paper ones Harris herself mandated—and we’re stuck paying the tab.
As for the 51 intelligence officers, one has to wonder if this is their best contribution to society after retirement. Maybe next they’ll tell us Joe Biden moonlighted as a door greeter at Walmart. Then again, considering how confusing things have been under this administration, that one might actually make sense.
