Written by Abigail Thompson.
The man who attempted to assassinate former President Donald Trump has now expressed his intent to vote Democrat. Yes, you read that correctly. After shuffling off this mortal coil, our intrepid would-be assassin is apparently not done meddling in politics.
The shooter, whose name we’re withholding to protect the absurd, was found with an absentee ballot application in his pocket. It seems even death can’t keep a dedicated Democrat from exercising their right to vote. While the Secret Service was busy with their heads hung in shame, the shooter had other plans. Who knew that the afterlife had such robust voter engagement programs?
One can only imagine the confusion at the polling station. Picture this: a ghostly figure floating in, absentee ballot in spectral hand, ready to cast a vote for the party that supposedly champions the living. Talk about voter turnout! It appears our dearly departed shooter wants to make sure his political voice is heard loud and clear, even from six feet under.
Election Season: The Dead Have Risen
The Democrats, never ones to shy away from a new voter base, are reportedly thrilled by this turn of events. “We always knew we had a strong appeal, but this is beyond our wildest dreams,” said an unnamed DNC official. The official went on to praise the shooter’s dedication to democracy, adding that if everyone were as committed as this deceased voter, participation rates would be through the roof.
Meanwhile, Republican operatives are scratching their heads. “Is this even legal?” one GOP strategist mused. “I mean, can dead people vote now? What’s next, pets?” The confusion is palpable, and the irony is rich. It seems that in their quest to secure every possible vote, the Democrats have literally reached into the afterlife.
As absurd as it sounds, this incident has sparked a lively debate about voter ID laws. Should we require proof of life at the polls? Maybe a pulse check? The questions are endless, and the comedic potential is off the charts. For now, it seems the Democrats have a new slogan: “Vote Democrat, even after death!”
Beyond the Grave: Political Endorsements from the Deceased
The shooter’s newfound political engagement raises several intriguing questions. First and foremost, how does one go about registering to vote from beyond the grave? Is there a celestial DMV where spirits line up to get their voter ID cards? And more importantly, does this mean we need to start campaigning in cemeteries?
The Democrats are already brainstorming new strategies. One idea is to hold seances instead of town halls, allowing candidates to connect with their ghostly constituents. Another is to set up voting booths in haunted houses, ensuring maximum turnout from the deceased demographic. The possibilities are endless, and the comedy practically writes itself.
Of course, not everyone is thrilled about this paranormal voter base. Some argue that it undermines the integrity of our electoral system. But for the Democrats, it’s a chance to prove their commitment to inclusivity. “We believe every voice should be heard, living or dead,” said one party official. And with that, the party of the living breathes new life into their campaign.
Our Take
The idea that a deceased assassin could vote in an election is both hilarious and deeply unsettling. It underscores the absurd lengths to which political parties will go to secure votes, even reaching into the afterlife. While we can appreciate the humor in the situation, it’s also a stark reminder of how far we’ve strayed from common sense. Allowing the dead to vote only muddies the waters of our already complex electoral system. It’s a joke that’s not just funny but also a bit too close to reality for comfort.
