Written by Abigail Lawson.
Minnesota Governor Tim Walz has once again lost his son, Beau—this time in the Francis Scott Key Bridge collapse. For those keeping score, this marks the fifth time Beau has been reported lost, with each occasion somehow more peculiar than the last.
Beau Walz, who was last seen confidently walking across the bridge that, ironically, symbolizes American resilience, was reportedly on his way to “get a better view” of the city when disaster struck. The bridge, having stood tall since 1923, seemingly decided it had had enough of this whole “being a bridge” thing and collapsed under the weight of, well, being a bridge.
Witnesses claim they saw Beau standing at the edge, possibly pondering the meaning of life—or maybe just wondering where he’d misplaced his phone this time—when the structure gave way. It’s worth noting that Beau has a habit of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, but this incident really takes the cake—or the bridge, as it were.
Beau’s Mysterious Talent for Getting Lost
Tim Walz’s son has an uncanny knack for vanishing in the most creative ways possible. In fact, his talent for getting lost is so consistent that some are beginning to wonder if it’s less a tragic flaw and more a calling. Beau’s previous disappearances include getting lost at the Mall of America, being “misplaced” on a family camping trip, and most famously, going AWOL during a game of hide-and-seek that allegedly lasted three days.
This latest episode, however, raises the bar. The Francis Scott Key Bridge was a well-known, well-traveled landmark—until it wasn’t. Engineers are still scratching their heads, wondering how a structure designed to withstand decades of use decided to give out just as Beau was crossing it. Some say the bridge was simply tired, much like anyone who has spent more than ten minutes with a teenager.
Yet, despite his frequent bouts of being lost, Beau always seems to reappear, usually with a bemused expression and a story that doesn’t quite add up. Whether he’ll show up again this time remains to be seen, but if history is any guide, Beau Walz is probably sipping a latte somewhere, utterly oblivious to the chaos he leaves in his wake.
When a Bridge Just Can’t Even Anymore
The Francis Scott Key Bridge had a long and storied history—until it decided it had had enough. After nearly a century of faithfully ferrying pedestrians, vehicles, and the occasional wayward politician, the bridge chose Beau Walz’s stroll as its swan song. The structure collapsed with a dramatic flair that would make any Hollywood director proud, leaving behind a pile of rubble, a few disgruntled commuters, and, of course, a missing Walz.
Authorities are investigating the cause of the collapse, though some suspect that the bridge, much like Beau, just needed a break. “It’s possible that years of stress finally caught up with the structure,” said one engineer who wished to remain anonymous. “Or maybe it just couldn’t handle one more lost Walz.”
As the search for Beau continues (again), the city is left to grapple with the loss of a beloved landmark. Meanwhile, the rest of us are left wondering if Beau’s next great adventure will involve a hot air balloon, a submarine, or perhaps getting lost in a corn maze the size of Rhode Island. Whatever the case, one thing’s for sure: the Walz family never has a dull moment.
Our Take
Losing a child once is unfortunate. Losing the same child five times? Well, that’s just bad luck—or something more ironic. As much as we empathize with the Walz family, it’s hard to ignore the growing suspicion that Beau might be less lost and more, shall we say, prone to adventure. This whole situation might be bad for the public because it raises a critical question: if a bridge can collapse just because it’s tired, what’s next? Tunnels that refuse to tunnel? Airports that decide they’re done with planes? The world is getting more unpredictable by the day, and if we’re not careful, we might all end up as lost as Beau Walz.
