Written by Joshua Bradley.
In a move that can only be described as “beyond journalism,” ABC News has decided it’s time to cut out the middleman—otherwise known as democracy—and just hand out cabinet positions in a future Kamala Harris administration. No, the Trump-Harris debate hasn’t even started, but ABC is apparently so confident in the outcome, they’re already rolling out government jobs like they’re handing out concert tickets. If you thought the media was just here to report the news, think again—now they’re writing the future too.
You have to hand it to them. ABC’s audacity is a whole new level of clairvoyance. Forget about the debate’s potential impact or, you know, the actual election. They’ve decided Harris has already won, and hey, why not start filling those seats before the campaign finishes? Who cares what the American people think when you’ve got primetime predictions? Rumor has it the only thing left to decide is who gets the corner office at the White House.
Now, was this decision made during a commercial break or after a particularly rough political segment? We’ll never know. But one thing is clear—why even bother with a debate when the media has already decided the ending?
Trump’s Confusion: “I Thought I Was Still Running?”
Of course, Donald Trump, ever the showman, took this premature proclamation in stride—sort of. When Trump learned that ABC had started passing out cabinet positions like Halloween candy, he reportedly quipped, “Wait, did I miss something? Am I still running, or did I sleep through the election?” The former president, who has always had a flair for the dramatic, now finds himself in the surreal position of having to debate someone the media has already crowned.
It’s not often you see a candidate fighting for the presidency against someone who’s apparently already measuring the drapes in the Oval Office. But Trump, ever the optimist (or so we’re told), isn’t deterred. He’s now pivoted his strategy, saying, “If Harris is already building her administration, maybe I’ll just run for 2028 while I’m at it.”
In what can only be described as classic Trump fashion, he’s made light of the absurdity, joking that he might challenge ABC News itself in the next election—after all, they seem to be the ones running the show.
ABC’s “Cabinet for the People” Program: Sign Up Now!
What’s most impressive about this whole situation isn’t just ABC News’s ability to declare a winner before the debate even starts—it’s their innovation in recruitment. Move over, LinkedIn. ABC News has apparently developed a streamlined “Cabinet for the People” program, where the qualifications seem to be… well, we’re not entirely sure what the qualifications are.
Political experience? Maybe. A quick on-air nod from a news anchor? Definitely. If you’ve ever wanted to serve in the federal government but found the pesky “voting” process too cumbersome, this could be your big break. Tune in during the commercial breaks of “Dancing with the Stars” to see if your name’s on the list.
With all this in mind, it’s safe to say that 2024 has officially entered a new era of political absurdity. What’s next? Will ABC News announce the 2028 nominees next week, or will they just start handing out Supreme Court seats?
Our Take
And here’s where we pause to reflect on the state of affairs. When the media starts handing out cabinet positions before a debate even begins, it’s safe to say things have gone off the rails. The whole point of elections—democracy, one might call it—is to allow the people to make decisions, not the producers behind a news desk. The fact that ABC News is already scripting Harris’s victory not only undermines the entire democratic process but also hints at a deeper issue: the media’s power to shape narratives before they even happen.
This is bad for the public, not because we should all be sitting on the edge of our seats during debates, but because it shows just how far removed from reality the media has become. If news outlets are more interested in creating the news than reporting it, what’s left for the rest of us? Maybe we should all start campaigning for 2028 cabinet positions now—after all, ABC News might just have some openings.
