Trojan Introduces Pre-Owned Condoms: Because Who Needs Fresh When You Can Recycle?
Written by Michael Donovan. In a move that will either make environmentalists proud or completely horrify everyone else, Trojan has just unveiled their…
Ohio Animal Shelters Celebrate Empty Cages!
Written by Peter Thompson. In what can only be described as the most unexpected turn of events in the history of American pet…
1,000 Hamas Members Get Mysterious Pager Message; Explosion Sends Virgins’ Reputations into Orbit!
Written by Luke Harrison. It’s a day that will forever be remembered in the annals of technological mishaps and divine miscommunications. Yesterday, a…
51 Former Intelligence Officials Debunk Claims of Pets Being Eaten as Russian Disinformation
Written by Luke Matthewson. It seems the world can’t go a single day without a new conspiracy emerging, and this time, it’s all…
Snoop Dogg Cancels Show in Springfield Ohio Because Illegal Haitians Show Up with Forks and Knives!
Written by Michael Cross. Rap legend Snoop Dogg canceled his much-anticipated performance in Springfield, Ohio, over a rather unexpected fear—being eaten alive by…
ABC News Promised Cabinet Position in Harris Administration—Before Trump-Harris Debate Even Begins
Written by Joshua Bradley. In a move that can only be described as “beyond journalism,” ABC News has decided it’s time to cut…
ABC Gearing Up to Fact-Check Aurora PD: “No, They Weren’t an Extortion Gang. Just a Mariachi Band.”
Written by Samuel Patterson. In what can only be described as a new low for investigative journalism, ABC News is reportedly preparing to…
Kamala Harris Opens Haitian Grill! Serves all Pets of American Citizens!
Written by David Thompson. Kamala Harris, known for her dazzling speeches and, uh, “memorable” laughter, has apparently taken her career in a new…